Does Masturbation Help With ED?
Masturbation Exercises That Help With ED
1. Pleasuring Your Soft Penis
Time Required: 15 minutes
The goal is to get comfortable with touching your soft penis and learn what kinds of sensations that produces. Put some lubricant on one or both of your hands and touch your penis in ways that feel arousing. Try different kinds of touches and strokes. You want to focus on the sensations and feel as sexy as possible, but you don’t need an erection. In fact, an erection will only get in the way. Don’t try not to get hard, just follow the instructions already given. If you find your penis getting hard, just pay attention to the sensations as it does so. But when it’s reached what you consider to be about 50 to 80 percent of fullness and rigidity, stop touching it. Enjoy looking at it and let it go down. The session is over for you.
Repeat this exercise two or three times, until you feel comfortable touching your non-erect penis and feel that you’ve improved your ability to focus on the sensations in your penis.
2. Losing and Regaining Erections
Time Required: 15 minutes
Stroke your penis with a lubricated hand and focus either on the sensations produced or on an exciting fantasy. When you have an erection, enjoy it for a moment and then stop stimulation. Take your hand away from your penis and let your erection subside completely, which may take from a few seconds to a few minutes. When your penis is soft, resume stimulation and focus on sensation or fantasy. Most of the time your erection will return, in which case you should again stop and let it get soft. Two complete cycles of this sequence — stimulation, erection, stopping, losing erection, stimulation — are sufficient for one session.
If your erection does not return within a few minutes after resuming stimulation, ask if there is anything you can do to get into a more relaxed and more arousing frame of mind. Taking a few deep breaths or looking at some stimulating pictures may help. If the changes you make result in erection, just continue with the exercise. If not, call it quits for now and return to the exercise another time. Whatever you do, don’t try to force an erection.
This exercise should be repeated as many times as necessary, with at least one day’s rest between repetitions, until you are reasonably confident that an erection can often be regained by proper mental and physical stimulation.
3. Not Getting or Losing Your Erection
The next two exercises may surprise you because in both of them you are asked not to have an erection. You may wonder why after all the travail not having erections has caused you I would be asking you to again not have an erection.
My answer is simple. After working with hundreds of men with erection problems, I realized that two of their greatest fears are their partner touching their soft penis (she’ll notice I’m still not hard) and losing an erection (here we go again).
As long as these fears are unaddressed, they remain in the background or foreground and get in the way of serious progress. Once they are addressed, on the other hand, the other exercises tend to be much easier and proceed more smoothly.
The Exercises are ways of directly dealing with these fears and putting them to rest. Despite what I’ve said, after reading them you may be tempted to skip them and go to Exercise 24-5. Do what’s necessary to resist this temptation.
Time Required: 5 to 20 minutes
You are to do two things: re-enact your old erection problem and handle it differently than you usually did. If your problem was that you did not get an erection while your partner stimulated you, then have her stimulate you and see to it that you don’t get an erection. If your problem was getting soft during intercourse, then have intercourse and make your erection go away. Whatever the old problem, re-create it.
There are many ways to not get or to lose an erection. Distracting yourself from the pleasurable stimulation by worrying about a myriad of things can help —anything from whether you’ll get or keep hard to whether the kids are listening to how much money the IRS will want from you this year — is probably the best way. Negative thinking about what a terrible lover you are can also help.
After you’ve managed not to get hard or to lose your erection, deal with the situation in ways that are enhancing to both you and your partner. Acknowledge what’s happened but don’t apologize. Instead, offer something that sounds good. Here is an example: “I don’t think I can get hard again, but I’d love to love you. Anything interest you?” When the two of you agree on something, do it. It can be sexual or not. The only important thing is that you both feel good about yourselves, each other, and what you do.
Repeat this exercise as many times as necessary for you to feel comfortable about losing your erection and dealing with the situation after that. Some men find one or two repetitions sufficient; others can benefit from many more.
4. Partner Playing With Your Soft Penis
This exercise is designed to help you feel more comfortable about having your partner touch your unerect penis. Many men are horrified at the prospect. They believe they should be hard before she touches it or, at the very least, should get hard as soon as she touches it. After all, that’s the way a real man is. That’s the fantasy. The realities are somewhat different. Being comfortable while your unerect penis is being touched is very important. It allows you to enjoy stimulation that might get you erect. Even if you don’t get hard, it can still feel very good. The more comfortable you are with her touching your soft penis, the better all the following exercises will go.
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes
After making sure you are both in a comfortable position, let your partner play with your soft penis. Try not to get an erection; you want the experience of being touched when soft. If you do get hard, stop for a while until your penis gets soft again, then have your partner resume.
She can explore, caress, stroke, and just generally play with your penis in any ways she wants. Don’t let her do anything that’s painful or uncomfortable, but, aside from that, keep your hands to yourself and your attention on the sensations produced. Be aware of what it feels like to be touched by her.
Do this exercise at least two or three times, until you are quite comfortable with her touching you when you’re soft.
Possible Problem: You find yourself trying to get an erection or feeling bad because you don’t have one. Given what men are taught, this is natural. Use your mind-power techniques to turn negative thoughts and images into positive ones, and resist the temptation to try to get hard. Talking to your partner about the feelings you’re having can be very helpful. And keep in mind that you have to keep your penis soft to derive benefit from the exercise. Having an erection interferes with this goal.
5. Sexy Body Rub Without Touching Genitals
The next exercise is optional. It can be very helpful, but should only be done if your partner agrees to it and doesn’t feel pressured to perform.
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes
Have your partner try to arouse you by touching your body, but not including your genitals, with her hands, mouth, hair, or anything else. She can be as creative as she likes and you can give feedback and suggestions.
Your job is to once again focus on the sensations and see what feelings develop. If a sexy feeling develops, follow its progress, then return to focus on sensation. If a positive sexual fantasy appears, feel free to go with it for as long as you want. If any negative thoughts or images appear, change them into more positive ones. Do this exercise as many times as you want until you’re comfortable focusing on physical sensations and able to bring your mind back easily after it wanders.
6. Partner Stimulation of Penis
Time Required: 15 minutes
This time your partner is to touch and stroke your genitals, with a lubricated hand, as you direct her. It’s the same as the regular body rub but focused on genitals. Some men prefer to do some touching and kissing before getting to penile stimulation, while others prefer getting to genital stimulation right away. Do whatever feels right to you and your partner.
The goal is to get you as turned on as possible. Arousal, not erection, is what we’re interested in. If you get an erection, that’s fine, but no finer than if you don’t. But if you do get one, don’t try to stick it anyplace. just continue with the exercise.
As in the previous exercises, your job is to focus on sensation and to get as aroused as possible. Give her feedback and directions, using words that turn you on. As you get excited, pay attention to the feelings and feel free to follow them through your body. A feeling may develop in your penis and then you notice differences in the way your chest and stomach feel. Go with these cues of arousal as long as you like. If sexual images or ideas appear, feel free to go with them.
As usual, deal with negative thought and images as per the discussion on Mind Power earlier in this chapter.
You can touch your partner, but only for your own pleasure. You are not to try to turn her on during the exercise. This is difficult for many men, because they are used to being active and because they want to pay back their partner for the work she’s doing and the pleasure she’s giving. If it would increase your own excitement to touch her breasts while she stimulates your genitals, it’s fine, but touching her breasts only in ways that excite you. If you realize you’re trying to excite her, change the kind of touching you’re doing or stop it altogether.
If you do get aroused and do focus on your sensations, you will probably get an erection some of the time. You can ejaculate, but only if you really want to. Men vary tremendously in how many times they need to do this exercise. It can be anywhere from three to twenty times, depending on how much time it takes to feel comfortable with it, to get good at focusing on sensation and refocusing when the mind wanders, to turn negative thoughts and images into positive ones, and to be able to give directions to get the best possible stimulation.
Possible Problems: You never get an erection in this exercise, or never keep it for long, even after a number of repetitions. Sometimes the problem is obvious. You can’t get your partner to stimulate you the way you like, you can’t focus on sensation, negative thoughts keep intruding, and so on. If none of these is true, you might want to go on to the next exercise, particularly if you like oral stimulation. If, on the other hand, one of these causes is manifest, you need to determine how to resolve it. Going back and redoing one or more of the earlier exercises may help.
If you usually get erections in masturbation but not with this exercise, there’s something in the relationship that’s getting in the way. Ask what it would take for you to be able to have an erection with your partner. What issues, attitudes, or behaviors would have to be resolved or changed? See if you can work them out. If not, you may need to seek professional help.
If you respond neither to masturbation nor this exercise, you should definitely see a competent urologist or sex therapist.
7. Oral Stimulation of Penis
If you’re like many of the men I’ve worked with, you are now convinced that things aren’t as bad as you had imagined. You may, in fact, think that everything is fine and be in a hurry to get to intercourse. I hope you’re willing to resist that temptation for now.
The next exercise is optional. It can be helpful, but not all women are willing to do it. You and your partner need to read and discuss it. If she isn’t willing to do it, don’t push her. Perhaps, as your sex life becomes more satisfying, she’ll be willing to try oral sex.
Time Required: 15 minutes
This exercise is identical to the preceding one except that now your partner stimulates you with her mouth rather than her hand. Be sure you both assume comfortable positions. Resist the temptation to stimulate her orally at the same time.
8. Losing & Regaining Erections
The next exercise, like Exercise 24-4, deals with the fear of losing an erection, but it also goes further in demonstrating that lost erections can often be regained, an important lesson for you to learn. Losing an erection is not a catastrophe. If you keep your cool, you can probably regain it. And if not, that’s not a tragedy either.
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes
Have your partner stimulate your penis with her hand or mouth in ways that you like. Your goal, as always, is to attend to the sensations and get as aroused as possible. When you have an erection, enjoy it for a moment, then tell her to stop and allow your erection to go down. You can do anything you want to accomplish this — have a talk, give her a back, rub or a sexual massage, or whatever. Take as much time as you need for your penis to get soft. Then have her resume stimulation. When it gets hard again, repeat the procedure given above. Two or three repetitions of the whole procedure — stimulation, erection, stop stimulation, erection fades, resume stimulation — constitute one session.
You will not always regain your erection and you will not always get one to begin with. When either of these things happens, let her know: “I guess it’s not going to get hard today. I’d like you to stop”. Then talk with her about what the two of you want to do that would be enjoyable. Maybe she’d like you to sexually stimulate her. Maybe one of you wants a back-rub. Maybe you’d both like to talk. Whatever it is, do it.
It’s crucial that you master this step. You can be sure your penis will not always respond the way you want. You need to feel comfortable letting your partner know that and talking with her about how to have a good time without an erection.
Do this exercise at least four times, until you are confident that your erection will usually return with proper stimulation and that, when it doesn’t, you can still have a good time.
Possible Problems:
- You never get an erection. This usually means you haven’t yet mastered the previous exercises. Go back to the ones you skipped and do them.
- Your erection doesn’t go down in a reasonable length of time. This isn’t a bad problem to have, but it does increase the amount of time it takes to do the exercise. Check to see if what you’re doing while waiting for it to get soft is arousing. If it is, do something else. Getting up and walking around the room or the house will usually do the trick if all else fails.
- Your erection, once lost, doesn’t return in a reasonable length of time. The problem often lies in anxiety about getting it back. In other words, you’re forgetting some of the lessons you’ve learned in this chapter. You might want to reread it and mentally mark the important pages. Try to remember that you don’t have to do anything to make your penis hard. It will take care of that itself as long as you focus on sensations or arousing thoughts or images and build arousal. It might also help to talk to your partner about any concerns you have about regaining the erection.
9. Gradual Insertion into Vagina
The exercises that follow require some kind of erection, so care must be taken not to create anxiety or pressure to perform. You can use spontaneous erections or those that occur in loveplay. Say you want to do an exercise and you ask your partner to stimulate you in ways you like. If you get a good erection (meaning one you feel good about, even though it’s not 100 percent hard), feel free to go on to the exercise. If you don’t get an erection in what seems a reasonable length of time, or if the erection you do get doesn’t seem stable, don’t try to force it. Do something enjoyable with your partner, sexual or not, and let it be.
These exercises also require that your partner’s vagina be well lubricated. Talk with her about whether an artificial lubricant such as KY jelly or Albolene would be helpful.
Time Required: Usually less than 5 minutes
Using a position that is comfortable for both of you, you are to gradually insert your penis, in stages, into her vagina. First place your erect penis just at the opening of her vagina. Take a few seconds to get used to having it there. When that feels comfortable, move it in a little bit, about an inch. Again, take a few seconds to get used to the feeling. Continue in this fashion until your whole penis is inside of her. Then stay that way for a few minutes and focus on the sensations in your penis. See how it feels to have your penis surrounded by her vagina. Be aware of the texture, temperature, and wetness of the vagina. Get used to being there; it’s a nice place.
If at any time you feel your erection start to go down, stay focused and see if you can enjoy the sensations of your erection going down.
If you want to ejaculate after a few moments and it’s OK with her, do so, but move slowly and be aware of what’s happening to you.
You can proceed to the next exercise when you are comfortable being inside of your partner and can keep your erection for a minute or so without movement.
10. Penis in Vagina with Movement
Now we’re going to extend your ability to be inside her with movement. The position usually recommended for these exercises is you lying on your back and her sitting on top of you; this allows you to fully relax, letting the bed support your weight so you don’t have to flex any muscles, and works well for many couples. But others prefer something else. So use any position that works best for you; just remember that it has to be sufficiently comfortable for both of you so that changes in it aren’t necessary for five to ten minutes.
Time Required: 15 minutes
Step A: This is similar to the previous exercise, except that now one of you thrusts slowly. Which one moves largely depends on the position you’re using. If she’s on top, she’ll do the moving. If you’re on top, it will be you. Regardless of what position is used and who moves, you have to be in charge of how much movement and when to stop and resume thrusting. Your job is to focus on sensations and get as aroused as possible. It’s important that your partner not start thrusting to satisfy herself. That will come later.
Start with a very slow pace. Make sure you’re comfortable with it before increasing movement. Then go a little faster. When that feels fine, no anxiety or negative thoughts, increase the pace again.
Continue with this step until the active one is moving at a pretty good pace but not all-out, say about 80 percent of abandoned movement. This will probably not be achieved in one 15 minute session. Use as many sessions as you need. Then do Step B.
Step B: The same as Step A, with the other one moving. This may well require a different position.
Step C: The same as the two previous steps, except both of you move. Start with very slow movements and only increase the pace as you feel comfortable. Use as many sessions as required until you are both moving as fast as you desire.
Possible Problems With Any of the Steps
You lose your erection during intercourse. This happens occasionally to most men, but there are some things to try if you feel it’s really a problem. Make sure you are relaxed; if you’re not, take some deep breaths and have some positive thoughts and images. If your penis is still in her vagina, you can leave it there and try to get the stimulation you want: Moving in certain ways or having your partner squeeze her pelvic muscles may do the trick. Or you can take your penis out and get the kind of stimulation you want, resuming intercourse when you are hard.
If you find that you usually lose your erection at a particular point — say, when your partner is thrusting very quickly — here’s something you can do. When you are alone, take a few moments to get relaxed and imagine her moving slowly in intercourse. Continue to relax and imagine her moving a tad faster. Continue in this fashion — relaxing and then imagining her moving at increasingly faster speeds — until you can calmly imagine her moving at full speed. Then do the same thing for real with your partner. Relax and have her move slowly in intercourse. Check to see that you’re still relaxed and, if so, have her increase the pace. If at some point you find you are getting tense, get her to slow down immediately to a speed you’re comfortable with. Then, in very small steps, have her increase the pace. Always back away from speeds that make you tense and go back to those you are comfortable with. Done consistently, this procedure will allow you to tolerate and enjoy more and more movement.
By fulfilling your conditions, by having sex only when you desire it and are aroused, by making sure you are relaxed, and by getting the kinds of stimulation you like, you are ensuring that your penis will function most of the time you want it to. And when it doesn’t meet your expectations or when an erection goes away at an inopportune moment, you no longer have to worry about it. You are prepared to have a good time no matter what your penis does.
As time goes on and your sexual confidence continues to develop, you will not need to be as careful about your conditions. Just don’t forget about them altogether. If you should find yourself backsliding, if you notice you’re tense in sex, or find that sex isn’t as satisfying as it is now, give more attention to conditions, arousal, relaxation, and stimulation, and it probably won’t be too long before the situation improves again.
